September 5

I've been looking forward to this for weeks. As evidenced by my current extremely chipped toenail polish. I was holding out for today.

My mother-in-law, Cathy, and I planned a pedicure day while I was in town this weekend, and we were both really excited about it. When we got there, it was the usual rolly-back-but-I-turn-the-poundy-part-off-because-I-don't-like-it massage chair and hot bubbly water for my tootsies.

Ahhhh.

And then she came over. She didn't look like a professional torturer at first glance, but I came to learn that this was no ordinary pedicurist. She was a sadicurist.

It started like they always do. She grabbed a foot and started clipping the nails. Still relaxed. Then she picked up the nail file and it started going terribly, terribly wrong.

Perhaps it was a bet she had with somebody else in the salon; maybe she said "watch this - I'll bet I can get her to kick me because she's in so much pain." Though that seems like it wouldn't be a good bet even if she won. Maybe she was just mad at her husband.

Anyway.

She opted for the "jam the nail file between your toenail and skin and rub hard" route, which was unpleasant but manageable. I got through both feet of filing without screaming out or reacting too much. 

Then, she began using her clippy tool to remove parts of my skin, which was even more painful. By the time she got to the metal stick thing with the millions of tiny blades on it, she was putting all her weight into it, shaving away the entire outer layer (and probably a few layers underneath) of my skin. 

Then, just when I thought she was done with the metal stick thing, she started over with it. I don't know if she just forgot that she had already done that one or what, but the second time was obviously worse.

Evidently when I said "Ow. Ow. Ow ow ow ow. Owowowowowow! OW!" she heard "I really like that, and having skin on the bottom of my feet has really become a drag. Please keep doing that." My mother-in-law even asked her "is that supposed to hurt?" 

And for picking up on hints and context clues, you get a D-.

After she put the torture devices away, however, she did a great job with the nail polish. And after I left, my feet felt pretty good (other than the spot that she literally rubbed raw on my left foot), and my toes are super-sparkly and cute.

I guess sometimes beauty is pain.

Sidenote: Did you see that Jon and Kate might split up? Oh no! I'm so worried about them! I hope they make it!